How To Write A Best-Selling Novel According To The Internet

I have long dreamed of writing a successful, popular novel. (Haven’t we all?) So, just like many people in the rest of the world do to find information, I turned to Google. I know Google is the best search engine for me. After all, I did once take that Bing vs. Google test. You can find everything there. For instance, if you wanted to know how to build an atomic bomb, you could find that on Google. Seriously. Look up “How to build a bomb”. First result. They say “With a few parts from a hardware store and some know-how, it is possible to build a weapon of mass destruction. Well, as long as you can find a few pounds of plutonium on Ebay to fuel it.” I quote.

It turns out that many, many people have written, read, and contemplated what makes a book successful. The general consensus seems to be that as everyone appears to have a different view of success, everyone has a different idea on what makes books successful. They will also have different ideas on how to gauge the success of a book. Then, they will also have different ways to read the numbers, and interpret the numbers, well, I think you get it. Everyone has tried, and, as it seems, ultimately  failed, to explain the factors of a book’s success.

When I looked this up, apparently scientists had found the secret to writing a best selling novel, with an 84% success rate! (At least, accorrding to I must admit, I checked it out. See? Now you don’t have to do any of the work! Anyway, if you are just dreaming about writing the next bestseller, make sure to include lots of ands, buts, nouns, adjectives, as well as words with “thought processes”, such as remembered. Be sure to avoid too many verbs and verbs.

Another website claims that it’s all in the publicity. And when they say publicity, they really mean it. This is taking it to the next level. According to The Altantic, you can’t just write a story. You literally have to become a story. Bringing to mind the saying, there’s no bad publicity, this site suggests gaining, then losing 100+ pounds, or give away 5,000 or something of your books. (It worked for one author, apparently.) Those are the less shocking ones. If you really want to bring out the crazy, the guys at the Atlantic suggest this. It’s delicious. You have to read it word for word. “Find a cure for—oh, for heaven’s sake, do we have to do everything? You, the author, can do at least identify potentially curable diseases for yourself.” Why not? Hey, you wrote a book. Surely you can also cure cancer or something! That’s not even the craziest they have to offer. If you really want to get “out there”, they suggest getting arrested. Seriously. They are confident you can get arrested. After all, “if every prison buys your book, it will be a bestseller!”

Personally, I think the best advice comes from Forbes. That is, write a series, and keep your charcter alive. That’s kinda important.

P.S. If you really want to read the articles, links are below.




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